Matt HealeyMonday,31 December 2012

The Snap:

It is new years eve day and as we all prepare to fly over the fiscal cliff (yes, drinking) it is also a time for a vast number of Americans to make new years resolutions. Personally, I do not make resolutions. I think they are a waste of time. I am in the majority as research indicates that only 45% of Americans make resolutions. Popular resolutions often include fitness or weight loss.

The Download:

Do not make a resolution to lose weight or get fit. All you will do is piss people like me off. Most of you who make this resolution will fail. The reason you will fail is because if being fit was important to you it would not require a special resolution. It would be part of your everyday routine. But it isn’t so you will fail because losing weight and getting in shape is hard. Losing weight requires that you be hungry and being hungry sucks. All of the diets that claim you can lose weight without being hungry are BS. To lose weight, you must burn more calories than you consume which leads to hunger. Period end of story. Getting fit requires that you spend time working at it. This often involves pain and soreness. It is hard and that is why you have not done it yet. And why you will not stick with it this year.

If this upcoming failure only affected you then it would not matter to me, but it also affects me. It affects me because you will make the next 3-4 weeks at the gym intolerable. Here is what is going to happen: You and your fellow new yearers will join a gym en mass on the first Monday of the new year. You will then workout on that Monday or wait until Tuesday. The result will be that the gym will be packed and us regulars will have to wait as you struggle to understand what level to set the bike. Let me suggest that you use setting 2 of 20 after all the last cardio you did was a few quick steps to catch the elevator up to the third floor so that you didn’t have to take the stairs. This is annoying. I have been coming to the gym for years and I hate to wait.

Then Wednesday will come and you will discover that cardio and weights are hard and you are sore. This is not a surprise given the last thing you lifted was a Dorrito; and regardless of how much onion dip you loaded onto it, it was still not that heavy. So you skip Wednesday. Thursday is back to the gym and more waiting for me. Friday you take the day off. After all, it is Friday. You also take the weekend off. So now you feel like you are accomplishing something. After all you have worked out 3 whole days that week! That is 3 times more than you did all of 2012 and almost half of the week! This will give you some hope and you will continue to come to the gym and make me wait the next week.

By week 3 you will begin to have to skip days because of something like work, or you are too tired, or whatever. Regardless, you will start to skip and this is the beginning of the end. By week 4 the gym will be almost back to normal. However you will still have one week of annoyance left. The first week of February. You will “restart”. After all, the last two weeks of January were particularly busy and no one can expect you to succeed on the first try right? Bullshit. If you were going to succeed, you would not have skipped the weeks or felt proud that you made it to the gym 3 whole days.

After the second week in February you will stop going, and the gym will return to normal. Since this is the pattern can you please save everyone the hassle and just give up on January 2nd? This is what is going to happen anyway, and that way I don’t have to get pissed off.

Hat tips:

New years resolutionsTop ten resolutions, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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  1. […] situation. However, I am skeptical that Americans will reverse this trend, based on the failures that I witness every January at the gym. It is easy to point the finger, as I have done, at the overweight. It is also not […]

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