Adrienne BoettingerFriday,21 December 2012

The Snap:

I’m having a hard time getting excited about the end of the world this time. Even the Mayans don’t believe in their own prediction. Plus, that hunk-of-awesomeness, Vladimir Putin, assures me that he knows when the world end and it ain’t 21 December. So climb out of your bunkers, you crazy bastards, because the Day of Reckoning is coming, as in after the 21st when you have to pay off the credit card bills you ran up, explain the drunken apologies for infidelities and tax evasion, buy some Christmas presents for your ungrateful relatives, oh yeah, and avert the damn FISCAL CLIFF! (Drink now, prepare to drink more soon).

The Download:

Those who lamented along with me at the end of John Cusack’s career (so dreamy, so tall, so many bad movies) may be surprised to learn that contrary to what we learned in the movie, the world is more than likely to keep turning on 22 December 2012. I think that’s what the movie said. I had to stop watching John Cusack movies after High Fidelity. I mean, really John, you’re making it harder for me to continue adoring you. But I digress.

It’s hard to care about the forthcoming apocalypse when you find out that not only did the Mayans not predict the end of the world was coming on 12/21/12 but it was really all a ploy to increase tourism by savvy Mexican tourism bureaus. Is nothing sacred? First, those crazy liberals and atheists commercialize Christmas and Valentine’s Day and Flag Day (next big holiday, trust me), and now they commercialize the Apocalypse. How tacky! That is not the reason for the season.

They’re probably the same people that are using the Apocalypse as an excuse to start winter break early. Yes, 30 schools in Michigan have shut down 2 days earlier than normal for the holidays due to concerns of the earth’s imminent demise and unsubstantiated rumors of violence. Granted, we’re all a little on edge with last week’s tragic mass shooting at Sandy Hook and some jackasses are actually either trying to use this to incite fear, inspire some other type of violence, or just to get out of school early.

At first, I didn’t think anyone still believed that the end of days was nigh.  Then it finally hit me: Congress totally thinks the world is ending on 21 December. In fact, some of them may be hoping that the end of the world will make it unlikely that they’ll have to actually do their jobs and get us out of the so-called Fiscal Cliff (2 shots are better than 1) that THEY CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! And this is why they feel perfectly safe in adjourning until after Christmas to begin stalling again on actually proposing anything.

Since it’s up in the air as to whether we’ll make it through the weekend, here is some Putin whimsy to wish you Godspeed and Good Luck!

Hat Tips:

NPR, Huffington Post, ABC News, IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, USA Today, LA Times, The New Yorker, Reuters, The Telegraph, Image Credit: quickmeme

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