Matt HealeySaturday,8 December 2012

The Snap:

My wife and I have chosen not to have kids. It is a personal choice based on how we want to live. However, some people should not have kids even if they want them. The first test in whether you should be allowed to have kids comes very early in the child’s life. It comes when you choose the child’s name. Traditional names are fine and creative names are generally fine. But when you go over the line into the batshit crazy, there is a problem.

The Download:

The first sign that you have gone batshit crazy is when name you choose for your child is mentioned in an article on stupid baby names. An example of this is the article that asks if someone really named their baby “hashtag.” Yep, hashtag. If you think this is an acceptable name for a child, then there is a good chance that you should not have kids. Another example would be if you want to name your child after an IT product. Gwyneth Paltrow may be able to get away with calling her kid Apple. But that was seven years ago, when Apple was associated with a fruit and not technology. Besides, she is a celebrity. There is a long, rich history of celebrities naming their children weird things, going back at least as far as Frank Zappa, who went with Dweezil, Moon Unit, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. In another case, Michael Hutchense from INXS went with Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. But if you decide to go with Apple, or Mac, or Siri — yes after the Apple digital assistant — then not only are you *not* creative, but you are batshit crazy, and probably should not have kids.

Now as much as I would like to think that this is a recent trend, it is not. This has been going on for a while. There was a chapter in Freakenomics that went into it in detail. This was back when the batshit crazy names tended to be things like Porsche and Mercedes. If you name your kid after a car, then you are either batshit crazy or you want them to become a stripper or a porn star. If your aspiration for your daughter is the adult industry, then you should probably not have kids. But, as with all things, there are exceptions. In this case, the exception is for people who grew up in mainland China and selected “western” names without understanding the conatations. Names like Candy are a little too common, and often the woman who selects them does not know the implications until it is too late.

Hat Tips:

HashtagAAPL namesFreakenomics, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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