WHY I WANT TO STAPLE THINGS TO JOHN BOEHNER’S HEAD

WHY I WANT TO STAPLE THINGS TO JOHN BOEHNER’S HEAD

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,30 November 2012

The Snap:

The Fiscal Cliff looms ahead and we are all preparing for Armageddon. Congress punted on a solution to reduce the deficit in 2011 and as a result all hell will break loose on 1 January 2013 when the combination of huge spending cuts and tax increases automatically kick in, unless Congress reaches a deal by New Year’s Eve. Meanwhile, politicians and reporters are nearly hyperventilating in their breathless discussions of the dreaded Fiscal Cliff.

The Download:

In the interests of preventing my complete meltdown if I have to hear the words “Fiscal Cliff” for the 85 millionth time, I think we need to get serious. No, not with urging Congressmen to actually do something other than hold press conferences and look as if they are in intestinal pain, while it becomes patently obvious that they are probably going to wait until the last damned minute to make a deal.

What we need to do is to levy some penalties on Congress for not doing their jobs, rather than just let them hit us with the bill. Here’s what I propose: every time a Congressman or a pundit uses the term “Fiscal Cliff,” they must do a shot. Every time they say “So-called Fiscal Cliff,” it costs them two shots. Now to show that I’m not being unreasonable, for those who are in recovery, don’t drink for religious reasons, or are allergic to alcohol, they may opt to do the Chicken Dance. For those who think I’m not taking this seriously enough, ask yourself which would bring more happiness to the American people: watching your representative or senator on a Sunday morning show whining about the other party not being job creators OR watching John Boehner and Lindsey Graham doing shots at the Capitol Building whilst Mike Crapo (best name EVER) chicken dances ‘til the sun comes up.

Hat Tips:

The New Yorker, The Daily Beast, The Atlantic Wire, The Lawrence Welk Show: Chicken Dance, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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Trackbacks

  1. […] than ever in this post-election, ongoing holiday, and pre-country falling off the fiscal cliff (bottoms up!) season, what the poor need is a marketing campaign, maybe a theme song, and a viral video or […]

  2. […] it’s only a matter of time before the Fiscal Cliff (drink up, fools) takes down Christians, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, and everyone in its path.  SERENITY […]

  3. […] Seriously — at a time when our country risks falling over the proverbial Fiscal Cliff (drink! drink! drink!), when there is an ongoing massacre of the Syrian people, and when mass shooting casualties are […]

  4. […] about the budget incline (I’ll call it that because it is early in the morning and I don’t want to do a shot). Each side is busy making proclamations about the strengths of its plan, versus the weaknesses of […]

  5. […] I’m having a hard time getting excited about the end of the world this time. Even the Mayans don’t believe in their own prediction. Plus, that hunk-of-awesomeness, Vladimir Putin, assures me that he knows when the world end and it ain’t 21 December. So climb out of your bunkers, you crazy bastards, because the Day of Reckoning is coming, as in after the 21st when you have to pay off the credit card bills you ran up, explain the drunken apologies for infidelities and tax evasion, buy some Christmas presents for your ungrateful relatives, oh yeah, and avert the damn FISCAL CLIFF! (Drink now, prepare to drink more soon). […]

  6. […] (check out the end of the Hitler parody video below). Really? This became as irritating to me as the term “fiscal cliff” has become to Adrienne. It seems that the entire world wanted to support this loser because of a shared imaginary friend. […]

  7. […] in negotiations over the so-called Fiscal Cliff (that’s shot number one if you ‘re playing the Fiscal Cliff drinking game, kids, with two more to […]

  8. […] become a writer here along with the potential to rant about things that tick me off and institute new drinking games (Get ready for a double…so-called fiscal cliff). However, as I prepare to have drunken and/or overwrought conversations with family members around […]

  9. […] we approach the end of 2012 (and of course the perilous fiscal cliff – drink, suckers!), apparently some people wish the world had ended because of the impending doom associated with […]

  10. […] is new years eve day and as we all prepare to fly over the fiscal cliff (yes, drinking) it is also a time for a vast number of Americans to make new years resolutions. Personally, I do […]

  11. […] we hurtle gamely over the Fiscal Cliff (bottoms up!), let’s ponder this question: What is Congress actually supposed to do? Hold annoying press […]

  12. […] passed a Senate-approved bill to pull the U.S. back over the ledge of the so-called fiscal cliff (a strong start… “so-called” equals two shots!). As dramatic as the press may make the process and back room deals out to be, this […]

  13. […] part of the fiscal cliff deal (drinking), the sequester cuts were postponed until March 1st. These are a series of automatic spending cuts […]

  14. […] some miracle happens, the shitstorm begins on Friday. Secondly, I feel like the Fiscal Cliff (drink!) took a lot of me and my formerly well-stocked bar. Thirdly, hearing the word sequestration or even […]

  15. […] come up with some new drinking rules. First, the previous rules stand in terms of references to “fiscal cliff,” “sequestration,” and “2016.” The new rule is that if you rant about which side is to […]

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