LANCE ARMSTRONG (NOT) CAUGHT BANGING YOUR MOM

LANCE ARMSTRONG (NOT) CAUGHT BANGING YOUR MOM

Hanes HallbirnSaturday,13 October 2012

Lance Armstrong

STFU



The Snap

Former teammates and employees continue to come forward with details about Lance Armstrong’s alleged doping activities from his time as Tour de France champion. Just this week, in fact, old foe Tyler Hamilton, and former soigneur Emma O’Reilly provided fresh accounts of past involvement in doping schemes.

The Download

Seven years have passed since Lance Armstrong last slipped on a yellow jersey and stepped up to collect kisses from eye-candy podium girls. Seven years. You know what the world looked like seven years ago? The iPhone was two years away from being released. Hillary Clinton and Rudy Guiliani were, in the opinion of many prognosticators, the presumptive presidential nominees of their respective political parties. The original Yankee Stadium was still standing.

So let it go, folks. Go outside, fly a kite, see a movie, read a book. It’s not like Armstrong banged your mom and broke her heart. He rode a bicycle around some pretty towns in France, and then (allegedly) made a grown-up decision to play by the same (dirty) rules that all of his competitors were playing by. Meanwhile, people are being massacred in Syria. Economies around the world are on shaky ground. And people are being unfriended on Facebook for annoying old high school classmates with posts about politics! I mean, shit is getting real in the world and we’re still worried about bicycle races from way back in 1999. So FFS, stop. Just stop.

Hat Tips

New York Times, CNN, NPR, Urban Dictionary, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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